PSA o' the day

Here's my Public Service Announcement for the day... Kids, don't have out-of-wedlock children.

I have a 12-year old son, Jalen, from a "relationship" that happened back in the day. He's a very good kid; a little shy, pretty obedient, respectful, and a nice person. He makes good grades and has his heart set on being a football player for the University of Miami. He's certainly shaping up to have the size to make it; he's already about 5'6" and between 190-200 lbs. He's an excellent big brother to his siblings, although of course there are the normal arguments over toys and the remote from time to time. He's right on the fringe of adolescence, and I'm dreading it. He's almost at the point where he'll no longer like to "play" or do things that kids do. Hopefully he won't feel the need to distance himself from his uncool parents. Yep, my boy's growing up.

He absolutely adores his mom, which is understandable since he's lived with her since birth. I think she coddles him, but I never try to come between them or make him choose between the two of us. I would never speak ill of her in his presence (Not that I make a habit of speaking ill of her when he's not around). However, since about the time he was five, his mother and I have traveled divergent paths. 1997 was the last year I celebrated Christmas with him, and I don't go all out for his birthdays as his mom does. I don't feed him many of the things he's allowed to eat when he's not with me, and he's not allowed to watch the same TV shows and/or movies that he gets to watch when I have him. It's not that big of a problem right now, but I dread what might come when he hits high school, and peer pressure begins to exert an even stronger effect. I've tried to counter that pre-emptively by stressing to him for the past few years how important character development is, and how important it is to be able to say "No" when necessary - even if every one else is saying "Yes" - and even when it's something you might want to do.

I had Jalen this past weekend. It pains me to hear my son express views and thought processes that are different from mine. No, I don't want him to be a mini-me (please no!), but one does want one's children to share and treasure the values one holds dear. Don't get me wrong - his thoughts are certainly not evil (from a society's point of view), but his thinking is much more closely aligned with mainstream society than with mine. For the longest time I told myself to just keep pluggin' along, doing what I can, and he'll see how I'm trying to live and want to emulate dear old Dad. I should state here that his mom is not a bad woman or a bad parent. She takes pretty good care of him, and I know she loves him. I think that she's doing the best job she can. It's just that she's raising him to share her values; and where ours conflict, mine tend to be the ones tossed aside. This was brought home when I told him of the possibility of our going to Jamaica for the Feast. I expected him to be like, "Yay!", but he hedged a bit. I don't think he wants to miss 2 C-team football games. When I was his age, I would've jumped at the chance to travel ANYWHERE - much less to a Caribbean island... I also worry about the boys' relationships as they grow older. Will there be resentment from Jalen because Nick & Noah have things and do things that he doesn't or hasn't? Will N & N look at my attempts to guide Jalen's development into manhood as making him my favorite? Nick tends to want to do everything I do - will that cause Jalen to look at him as my favorite? How can I prevent these things from happening?

Perhaps I worry to much, and if I keep doing what I'm doing things'll be OK. Time will tell, I suppose. I'm also aware that people who have all of their kids with their spouse face problems as well. Dear Reader, I highly recommend that you not make parenting even more difficult by creating a situation such as I have. It's not easy, and it's not fair to you or the child(ren). I also recommend not having kids until you're finished with your formal education, but that's a post for another day!