Nostalgia isn't always good

I gave myself a dose of semi-depression today. I went to the library to do some reading, and picked up a copy of TAPS from 1989(TAPS is Clemson's yearbook).. It's amazing how people slip through the cracks in your mind as time passes. Of course you always remember the people you played ball with at Fike (the campus gymnasium); the people you sat with in Little Africa (the part of Harcombe Dining Hall in which many black students sat at dinnertime), the people in your major, etc... The people you passed every day but didn't interact with regularly though - they tend to get forgotten. I was amazed that I hadn't thought of many of the faces I saw in more 10-15 years. That's not what depressed me though. Depression set in when I realized just how awfully I'd wasted the decade from '88-'98. I can remember laughing about wasting my time, doing nothing with my life, and boldly stating, "I'll never regret these years! I know that others are graduating and moving on with their lives, but I'll never be able to have this much fun again - and I'm going to enjoy every minute of it!" Yes, I was that big an idiot.

I don't begrudge my old friends their success; no really, I'm happy for them. But for a while today, I was thoroughly disgusted by my inability to do what I was supposed to the first time around. I am in grad school now, but I'm still not applying myself fully. That frustrates me, but I haven't been able to change that fact. So far I've gotten by, but I think my peers and my superiors believe that I know more and I've done more than is actually the case. I keep telling myself that today is going to be the day that I focus and do what I need to do to graduate, no matter how much I don't want to. And each time the result is the same. Oh well, at least the Heat victory tonight took my mind off my shortcomings.